Sunday
Tadao was in a conundrum.
Had he made the right choice? As he watched Yumeko’s silhouette disappear behind his apartment door, he felt remarkably unsure with what had been a clear decision just moments ago.
But, was there any real way to know? Uncertainty had proven to be a relentless force in life. Attempting to limit its influence would be as effective as trying to reverse the flow of a downhill stream — it could never be stopped.
His apartment fell silent, with suddenly only one heartbeat in the room.
But, Tadao had been here before.
He took solace in the familiar one man show — after all, he was born into this world alone. There could be no surprises or secrets when his only company was himself.
The silence begged for his thoughts to seep out — to fill the empty gaps with substance.
“I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for.” were her parting words. He couldn’t stop repeating them over and over in his head.
At one point Yumeko was all he had ever wanted. He never realized that he had the capacity to be consumed by an obsession over another person until he met her. In his waking moments, his first thought would always be, “I wonder how Yumeko is doing?” and his last thought before bed would always be wishing Yumeko was next to him.
Yumeko had been all that Tadao was looking for, and then some.
Swirling his whiskey in his glass, Tadao took a sip and closed his eyes. He reminisced on one of his favorite memories of them together.
One beautiful Sunday, they were laying in the grass under the summer sun — Yumeko had fallen asleep with her head on Tadao’s chest. A gentle breeze brushed against her hair and the scent of her lavender shampoo washed over Tadao. In that moment, he felt at peace — holding his favorite person so close to his heart.
Looking down at Yumeko in her slumber, he remembered thinking to himself, “She’s a keeper”.
Now, he couldn’t recognize either person from that memory — two relics from a past life.
“I hope you find what you’re looking for”
Did he even know what he wanted? Did it even matter?
As Tadao sat in the silence, attempting to piece together his new reality — he felt his memories of Yumeko starting to slip away. Was it really that simple?
Perhaps, if his memories escaped him entirely — it would be as if he had never met Yumeko. The two worlds would have parted ways entirely, without a single thread to keep them connected. Without any memories to verify that they had existed at all… and Tadao could start over again.
The most irrational thing you can ever do is fall in love, but what made even less sense was one day waking up feeling repulsed by the person you were supposed to be in love with.
Everything had been fine, until one day Tadao felt suffocated by the idea that it would only be him and Yumeko for the rest of his life. They never fought, had good sex, and managed not to get bored of each other after five years together. Yet, thinking of walking down the aisle with Yumeko sent shivers down his spine.
Perhaps, it was his fault for idolizing Yumeko — so much so that when he learned and witnessed how human she was, he slowly began to lose interest. Or maybe, he had let his insecurities get the better of him and convinced himself that no one as beautiful as Yumeko could ever seriously love him.
Either way, the result was all the same. Tadao ended up alone.
Tadao felt betrayed by his heart — it had been evil to him and Yumeko. To witness yourself fall out of love, despite wanting to stay there — it was cruel.
No matter how much he yearned to love Yumeko, his heart refused to budge. Instead, contempt sprouted its roots in love’s place.
Tadao quietly sat, hoping for a tidal wave of emotions to knock his senses, and for clarity to present itself as a sudden moment of revelation — but it never arrived.
“I hope you find what you’re looking for”
This time, without any other options, Tadao finally accepted his truth.
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Here’s Hobo Johnson’s song Mover Awayer. I listened to this song on repeat while writing this bit. Recommend to give him a listen if you have time :)
